How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

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How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

Carly
Hey everyone,
I am really looking for Godly, scripturally based advice here, not emotion or bashing.  It is a difficult situation and of course I am hurt by it, but I just want to be available for God to use me if he'll have me.  We found out last night my husband's brother's wife has been cheating on him for the past four months.  We are going to visit this weekend to spend time with my husband's brother and their parents, but if I have the opportunity to talk to my sister-in-law I would like to.  Does anyone have experience with this?  I don't think I need to focus on the affair because what is done is done.  I don't think I need to throw scripture in her face.  I am not going to attack her.  I think I need to focus on what happens now... If anyone can give me any direction please do.
Thanks.
Carly
Marine Wife
Southern California
Married 9 months
Starting our family soon!
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Re: How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

CheriQuiteContrary
I wrote a post but had it backwards and then realized you had already gone on the trip.   How did it go?  I'm sorry no one was able to offer advice sooner.

( (HUGS)  )
 


Cheri, wife to Andy for 23 years, mom to Ryan, 21 and Holt, 17.  
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Re: How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

Carly
It went well. :o)  She was willing to talk to me for a good two hours.  I just let her talk about everything she was feeling and I just tried to tell her that I still love her and prayed with her and focused on the fact that God sees everything and still loves her and will be waiting for her.  She is really confused about what she wants and it will be a long road back to a happy marriage for her if it happens at all.  Her husband it very willing to work on it so I pray a lot for strength for him to not get burned out from rejection and being hurt and angry.  I told her that the past is the past and she already knows what she did, but my main concern is just that she doesn't find her worth in her husband, this other guy, her son, or her job but that she really figure out how to find her worth in God.  She was receptive to that for the most part.  She said she knows and she didn't get angry, but she also admitted it would be really hard right now because she hasn't been keeping up with her faith lately (obviously).  I know Christians debate a lot about how much to love and how much to confront, but honestly, the girl knows what she did and is torn up by how she hurt everyone.  She is just in the middle of two guys right now who have made her feel worth something at some point in her life.  The rest of us on the outside obviously look and say "How can she do that?" or "Wouldn't she obviously go back to her husband now that everyone knows and try to work it out?" but she is really struggling with finding her worth right now.  When all the dust settles... however it settles... I want her to know that Christians still loved her and prayed for her and tried to encourage her to find the strength to do what's right - not judge her and tell her the things she already knows she did wrong and beat her up.  It is a fine line, I know.  But being harsh will only push her away.  I think I did this to my mom when my parents divorced so I learned the hard way.  It isn't that we are responsible for how the situation goes, it is that we are responsible for being Christ REGARDLESS of the situation.  So... that was a long answer!  But that's where I'm at.  There still seems to be some hope but more from him than her.  So we are praying and staying in touch with them!
Carly
Marine Wife
Southern California
Married 9 months
Starting our family soon!
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Re: How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

CheriQuiteContrary
I'm so glad it went well!  I know for women,  they say affairs are more dangerous as we do it for love, not just the physical part.  I can imagine her dilemma and just wish she had not put herself in that position.  But as you said, the past is the past - what she does going forward will determine her character.  Hope it works out for the best.  She's lucky her husband is willing to move past it and should consider that a gift.

 


Cheri, wife to Andy for 23 years, mom to Ryan, 21 and Holt, 17.  
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Re: How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

Laurel
In reply to this post by Carly
Carly, I positively LOVE your avie picture!!!!

Having just gotten back, I am only now seeing this. I think it is beautiful, what you did...sometimes things like this can have the biggest effect - things we may never actually see come out of this kind of love which you have shown your sister in law!

Have you talked to them since? How are they? I'll be praying along side you...
Visit me at my blog From My Heart To Yours
Married to my Knight for 13 years
2 Princes - 12 and 10
1 Princess - 5
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Re: How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

Heritage of Sons
In reply to this post by Carly
Carly,

how are things going with your sister-in-law?  Are things looking better?

Aimee
Aimee
wife to a great guy (12 years)
homeschooling mom of 4 boys
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Re: How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

Carly
Hey Aimee!

She still doesn't show any signs of wanting to save the marriage.  My husband's brother thinks she saw the guy over Memorial Day Weekend.  There aren't any lawyers or papers yet.  Blake (b-i-l) continues to pursue her... he's reading things like His Needs Her Needs and wishes he had read them sooner.  He leaves roses and notes at her apartment asking her to meet him for coffee.  He is doing much better with God these days.  Their anniversary (7 years I think?  8?)  is in about 6 weeks so he is hoping by then they could go on a real "date" and be civil etc.

Only God knows what will happen!  We have free will and she is still choosing to exercise hers.  We pray she has a change of heart of course, but in the mean time we support Blake and try to learn things for our own marriage... He uses all things for good.  It is true so we have to find it.
Carly
Marine Wife
Southern California
Married 9 months
Starting our family soon!
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Re: How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

Heritage of Sons
How tough for your brother in law!   Prayed fro her eyes to be opened and her heart to be turned back to her husband.
Aimee
wife to a great guy (12 years)
homeschooling mom of 4 boys
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Re: How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

Carly
Just wanted to jump on here really quick.

My brother-in-law was here for the weekend and he has really encouraged me.  He has really gotten serious about his relationship with God and is determined to not give up on his wife.  He is going to a christian counselor and has searched the internet and found Godly counsel from people who have gone through adultery on both sides and have saved their marriages.

He is determined to not give up on his wife and tries to remind her of that every time they interact.  He reminds her that she is still his wife and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.  He has read books like Love and Respect and tells her he is really studying what it means to be a Godly husband and what commitment really means (not just having a job and getting a house and car for your family but ignoring everything else).

He has people around him (even Christians) telling him to move on with his life and asking him, But how do you know what God's will is?  He confidently answers that He knows God hates divorce and he will continue to pray for his wife... pray that God is revealed to her in different ways and everything about their marriage being repaired - trust, himself improving things, etc.  but he also prays for specific things like communication to be broken down between his wife and the other guy - cell phone reception, them being too busy for each other, whatever.

He says he does notice subtle differences in his wife when he continues to tell her he isn't giving up or going anywhere.  He knows she was just expecting him to kick her out and divorce her, so now that he isn't she doesn't know what to do.  She doesn't have a lawyer but she just can't give up this other guy because they still communicate and see each other.

My brother-in-law found a specific website that I want to ask him for, but it includes details that are exactly what he is going through.  A specific example: his wife continues to tell him and everyone that she is happy now and he should move on etc but the guy's website Blake found (B-I-L) is run by a guy who committed adultery and he said every chance he got he told everyone that he was happy and doing great but that once night came around and he was alone he still thought about what he had done and thought about his wife.

Blake has talked to guys who left their wives and they have admitted to him that part of why they left is because their ex-spouses didn't put up a fight, they just let them walk away.  Blake stands firm on what the bible says and what He knows God's will is.  He doesn't get swayed by his wife's actions or make our free will bigger than what God can do.  It is sad to me that even Christians get this backwards and let their faith in God be smaller than human selfishness.  I know it isn't easy by any means, but this is a man who is swallowing his pride and doing it right.  He's not perfect but he really does trust God and is confident that God will work on his wife.  He is ready to wait years, and honestly it was years in the making so it will take a long time.  Most spouses would not be willing to wait they would just give up.

I was SO encouraged by all of this... Sorry this is lengthy but I had to share.
Carly
Marine Wife
Southern California
Married 9 months
Starting our family soon!
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Re: How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

Courtney (Women Living Well)
This is GREAT news!  You have an amazing brother-in-law!  I pray God does something new in their marriage and his wife feels conviction. Thanks for the update!!
Courtney
http://www.womenlivingwell-courtney.blogspot.com
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Re: How to talk to my sister-in-law who committed adultery

Laurel
In reply to this post by Carly
WOW, Carly, this is truly amazing. Imagine the testimony they will have when their marriage is restored!?! PRaise God!

I'm continuing to pray for Blake and his wife. Thank you so much for sharing this!

Laurel
Visit me at my blog From My Heart To Yours
Married to my Knight for 13 years
2 Princes - 12 and 10
1 Princess - 5